Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
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Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old