Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
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The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
my dog when i have a friend over
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Friends that check up on you >
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore