Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Today’s Times
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
bad
worse
worst
worchester
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.