My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
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Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.