Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
This dudes dogs πbattle cry
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Itβs 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, itβs also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.