Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
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If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.