I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
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WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.