Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
You Might Also Like
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
quarantine day 3
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.