To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Best misinterpreted text ever!
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.