My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
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Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.