This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
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Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Woke up against my better judgment again
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night