I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
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Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.