🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
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Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?