There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
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Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.