If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
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Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”