I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
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[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
me hitting on a model
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.