Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
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guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.