I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”