Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
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To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
stand with me against insufficient seating
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.