Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
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MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Mad Max: Furry Road
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
What number SPF blocks people?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
<- sleeps well with others
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere