dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
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guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I feel it
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”