inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
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You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?