I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
You Might Also Like
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
No. He’s not coming out to play
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re