Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
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Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
never compromise your values
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it