Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
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1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
December birthdays be like…
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”