Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
You Might Also Like
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.