Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
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LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]