That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
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Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.