7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
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ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”