a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
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That’s it.I’m out.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday