I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
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With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.