Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
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True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats