if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
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Give a baker flours on your first date.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.