I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
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10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.