Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
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Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”