customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
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Yet the one time I did, I got banned
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”