[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
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Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Me, flirting😏
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.