Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
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An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL