Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
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I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind