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#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move