*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
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[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?