Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
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Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.