Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
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{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Anyone want a chair?
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”