Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
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No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
When I snag the last meatball.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
🤣🤣🤣
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.