Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
You Might Also Like
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.