My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
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TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
“what that mouth do?” complain
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
wish me luck lads
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.