VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
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wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we werenāt doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift cardā
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
My wife isnāt international so we donāt celebrate
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Gorilla: so Iām 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and Iām not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: itās kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Clicking my heels together three times and saying āthereās no place like mozzarella sticksā
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Iām starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because itās 2019 and we shouldnāt have to work so hard to be bored.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
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Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it canāt get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: į“¼Ź° āæįµ
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking āHow do you think youāre paying for that, with your good looks?ā
Sometimes I feel like Iām cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. Itās called self-care.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things āchocolateā if I canāt eat them. Thank you.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but thereās no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Date: Iām looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”