If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
You Might Also Like
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
guys i’ve cracked the code
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Unimpressed
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.