If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
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Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party