old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
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My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
do horses think humans are hats
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Stop being racist to kettles.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.